I Explain God, Part 1

I'm a Christian fundamentalist sadly aware the label makes many people think I'm anti-science, condemn them to Hell, want to police what goes on their bedrooms, and am filled with prejudicial hatred that come out in jokes like: You know why Osama bin Laden and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad don't eat with their left hands? Because they're afraid of licking off their brains.

The list of negatives goes on and on. In the interest of understanding and brotherhood, I would like to clear up the grosser of these misunderstandings and so offer this irregular series to give Bible-based, Spirit-filled insights of what it means to have God smile on me and not you.
Let's examine the most important issue. I do not want to be in your bedroom. Honest to God, unless you lead with a 36 double D rack, own a chain of liquor stores, can yodel and have invited me with a fetching jingle of your handcuffs, I don't even want to be in your house.

I'm not asking what you do in your bedroom, so please don't tell me. Don't tell my children. Don't bring a cucumber to elementary school as part of the syllabus for an anti-pregnancy prevention program. In case you haven't noticed, in spite of increasingly detailed sex education, illegitimate babies are on the rise while the age of unwed mothers is spiraling downward.

I'm sorry. I take that back. There are no illegitimate children in God's eyes. But I think that fathers who abandon their children and girls who keep having babies to get more welfare are on the road to Hell.

In fact, I think most people I know are on a superhighway to Hell. H-80 I call it, and good riddance I say. If you had my neighbors, friends and family members, the point would not have to be discussed. As it is...and here's the rub...if I get the chance, I'm supposed to talk them out of it. I'm not supposed to nudge them there in any way.

For some people there is confusion on this point. Christian fundamentalists are lumped in with Islamic fundamentalists. Islamists think most people are going to Hell too, and if you lived in their countries, you could understand it. But the worst you'll get from a Christian is some foamer on a street corner giving you a little comic book. For the Moslem, it's strap explosives to a kid and send him into the local pizza parlor.

For you seekers after Truth, look here again for when I give more apologies. My wife says that should be apologetics, but what does she know? She's Catholic.